#715
<Backstage at "Let's Talk About Stuff!">
Date: 09/30/2001
From: Carmelita9000
<Lita is talking quietly to the group of other assembled guests. She is speaking loud enough for them to hear her, huddled in close, but quietly enough not to be picked up by the hidden camera everybody knows perfectly well is in the corner. The other guests are as follows: Evil Mike, Rimmer, Mrs. Hargrove, Mickey, Ortega, grandmapa, Lord Kinsey Figgybottom the Cow, and the two clowns.>
Lita: All right, everybody, it's almost time to go on. We should all do fine, but we just need to remember one thing. PM is the bad guy. All right? Doesn't matter about all that stuff we did to him. In fact, as far as these people are concerned, we didn't do anything to him. Ok? We're the victims. We're the good guys.
Rimmer: Right Lita. That's actually pretty obvious. I really don't think you needed to remind us.
Lita: I know. I was mostly reminding Evil Mike. He has a tendency to revel in his evilness if you give him half a chance. I just didn't want him to feel like he was being singled out.
Evil Mike: Relax, Lita. I've been hanging out with you for, how long? Since that first Wacky Race, right? And you still don't seem to have figured out that I'm evil.
Lita: Just make sure *they* don't figure out that you're evil.
Evil Mike: No problem.
<A stage guy enters with a clipboard.>
Stage Guy: Just making sure everybody's here. Where's Carmelita9000? Good. A_Judas_Rimmer? Right over there, ok… MickeyTheGardener? All right. Boy, you people sure have weird names. Is there an Evil Mike? Ok. Evil Mike? What, are you evil or something?
Evil Mike: Not that I'm aware of.
Lita: Just a nickname. Look, everybody's here. I checked. You don't need to go over your list.
Stage Guy: What about the psychotic clowns? Are they here?
Lita: Yes! Get out!
<Several minutes later, the show is ready to begin. The audience is filled with a variety of drunken rednecks, and bboard personalities, including but not limited to, Tork, Betsy the Gorilla, wurwolf, Toblerone, and a few sidehackers. Some kicky disco starts up, and the show's hostess appears from the wings. It's that Shine Your Love chick from Angels' Revenge (I can't remember her name). She sings her little song, and then starts speaking to the audience.>
Shine Your Love chick from Angels' Revenge Whose Name I Can't Remember: Hello everybody! And welcome to My talk-show, "Let's Talk About Stuff!" Today we're talking to a wonderful group of people, who have all been horribly victimized by an evil, evil, man named Pharaoh Mobius. After you hear what he's done to all these people, I'm sure you will all, no doubt, feel inclined to take the law into your own hands, and hunt him down like the dog he is! I know I would! I hate men! But first, let me introduce our guests...
#716
SYLC: Say hello to Carmelita9000!
Date: 09/30/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
(wild applause)
A. Judas Rimmer!
(wild applause)
Evil Mike!
(wild applause)
MickeyTheGardener.
(crowd boos uncontrollably)
Mickey: Hey, shutup! You don't know me! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
Ortega!
(applause even more wild than Lita and Rimmer's)
Mickey: Well, that harly seems fair.
Grandma...Grandpa...a young Grandparent!
(wild applause)
Grandmapa: Audiences love the elderly.
A cow!
(nothing happens)
A cow!
Lita: Oh yeah, I forgot!
(Lita goes backstage and after a second, comes back with Lord Bottomhugger. More wild applause)
Mrs. Hargrove!
and the clowns!
(everyone in the audience hides behind their seats)
SYLC: I'm just kidding. I hate clowns. Guards!
(two men come and carry the clowns off the stage; everyone gets back in their seats.)
SYLC: Now Lita, tell me about what happened.
Lita: Well, (starts crying) PM called me fat, and than he called Rimmer a slut.
SYLC: Men.
(audience boos)
Mickey: Hey.
SYLC: Now, Mickey, why are you here?
Mickey: To be honest, I have no idea.
Rimmer: Remember? PM killed Waldo?
SYLC: Waldo? Is this a pet?
Mickey: No Rimmer, that was Eeeee...say, you're right. Poor schmuck, he never hurt anyone. Always hiding, and...I have a picture. (holds it up) He was the nic...now where the hell is he? Oh wait, there he is.
SYLC: No. That's a beach ball.
Mickey: Hmmmm....I'll get back to you.
Lita: He ordered 500 pizzas and made Mickey pay for them.
Mickey: And I hate that when everythings in a flavor you can't eat. Who the hell eats coconut vinegar pizza?
Ortega: Mmmmm....I could go for one of those...(leaves)
Rimmer: What about me? I'm on this show, too, you know. He called me a slut!
SYLC: That's been mentioned.
Lita: He turned my underthings to Ben Gay.
Evil Mike: And Rimmer wasn't wearing any, so it turned me on! (Lita slaps EM on the wrist)
Lita: (Whispers to EM) They didn't need to know that part.
SYLC: Well, that's enough for introductions. Come right back, and we'll give everybody makeovers...or something. Hell, I haven't decided.
(cut to commercial)
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time?Space Expert
Liked Crystal Pepsi too, but then they went and changed the recipe. I was pissed.
#717
[SYLC] Hi! Welcome back!
Date: 09/30/2001
From: PharaohMobius
[SYLC] We're here talking to people who have been used, abused, and thoroughly confused by a guy named Pharaoh Mobius! And you know what we say about guys like that on this show...
[Audience] Ooza-booza, whatta LOOZA!!!
[SYLC] You know it! But now, it's time to hear the other side of the story. [Audience boos.] I know, I know, but we do have to be fair. It's all part of Shining Your Love! [Audience cheers.] So let's give a rip-roarin' raspberry and a what-what to Mister and Missus Pharaoh Mobius!
[PM and Mrs. Mobius come out. The booing becomes more intense. A few of them even start throwing things at them, including a few Tastee Kakes. DumbSchmoe stands up and yells "SACRELIGE!!!" at the gross misuse of his favorite snack food. Finally, PM and Mrs. Mobius take their seats.]
[SYLC] So Pharaoh, these folks have accused you of doing a bunch of real unpleasant stuff to them, and of being an all-around jerk. How do you plead?
[PM] Guilty as charged.
[The audience boos even louder.]
[PM] What do you want from me? I'm a Pulp Villain!
[SYLC, to Lita] Is that true?
[Lita] Well yeah, but I don't see what that has to do with anything...
[PM] It's in my contract to be an evil criminal mastermind! I'm just doing my job!
[SYLC] I can understand that much. But what is it that caused you to become a Pulp Villain in the first place?
[PM] Well, if you really want to know... I was neglected as a child. My father was a small-time hood working for a Pulp Villain named Doctor Scythe. He wasn't bad at it, but his secret identity (The Angry Lush) gave him limited advancement opportunities, which caused him to take his drunken rage out on my mother, my brother, and me. Plus, my mom was forced to take a job as a taxi dancer to feed us kids, so we were forced to fend for ourselves most of the time. And then mom developed a case of Denghi Fever, and... [PM continues on for several minutes, weaving a real tear-jerker of a sob story involving mom's lingering illness and subsequent death, his being forced to take a job as a two-bit thug to support his brother, his working through Mad Science Academy, and his ultimate heartbreak at discovering that his brother Jimmy was going off to Justice University to become a "*sob* GOOD GUY!" By the time he's done, there's not a dry eye in the house.]
[PM] ...so you see, I can't help but be evil! The world made me that way!
[SYLC wipes her eyes.] Wow. That's pretty powerful stuff. But I want to ask you, Mrs. Mobius...
[Mrs. Mobius] Call me Nefertiti.
[SYLC] Okay, Nefertiti, why do you stay with him, if you know he's evil like that?
[Mrs. Mobius] Because deep down, I know that behind the layers of evil is a good man! He keeps food on the table, has created a lot of jobs in our community, and besides, he's pulled the hinders of these ungrateful louts out of the fire on many an occasion! Just ask them about the Bboard war, for instance! And even though someone always ends up blowing it up or tearing it down, he keeps on rebuilding his bar, MSTBlanca, so that the people of the Bboard can have a nice, MST3K-related place to hang around! These ingrates can say what they want about my Sutenhotep turning their underwear into things, or about him writing replies where one calls another one "fat" or "slutty", but as for me, I stand by my husband! [She kisses him, and it turns into a nice, TV-friendly romantic kiss. The audience cheers.]
[SYLC, to the others.] So, why do you hate this poor, misunderstood man?
[Audence boos, and yells "YEAH?!?". Soon, they boo Lita, Rimmer, Ortega, grandmapa, and Mickey off the stage.]
[Rimmer] Great idea, Lita. "Let's get him on TV so everyone will hate him!"
[Lita] Hey, how was I to know he was so media friendly?
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Go PM! Go PM!
Sarcophagus!
#718
grandmapa: Damn!
Date: 09/30/2001
From: Carmelita9000
<The group is all crowded backstage. There is still a camera back here, which is always on to catch any interesting goings-on back here.>
Lita: What is it, gramps?
grandmapa: I should have told her about the drugs.
SYLC: <sticks her head backstage> What drugs?
grandmapa: Well, I remember it was way back a long time ago. Before PM sent Betsy the Gorilla to burn down MSTGardens. Before he turned Lita's undergarments to Ben Gay. Before I was locked in his haunted sarcophagus for three long days. Even before he called Lita and Rimmer names on the Internet.
Lita: Get to the point, gramps.
grandmapa: I recall it was back during the bboard war, when the evil STD was trying to subjugate us all into his evil empire. Our ragtag group of rebels was holed up in MSTBlanca, drinking our cares away, when a fire broke out on the roof of the bar.
Lita: I remember this…
grandmapa: 'Course you do, whippersnapper! You started the fire!
<Lita clears her throat quickly. PM, still on stage, bathed in the adoration of the easily led audience, is waving nervously at gramps to quit with the storytelling. grandmapa continues.>
grandmapa: A young kid by the name of Mistyboy suggested we put the fire out with the booze from the bar. And by golly, it worked.
SYLC: But alcohol is flammable…
grandmapa: Exactly what Lita said, young lady! Alcohol is flammable! And that's when Pharaoh Mobius told us his big secret. He hadn't been serving us alcohol at all. He'd been giving us illegal narcotics, in liquid form. He was addicting us to the heroin in his drinks, so that we would return again and again and again.
SYLC: He was giving you DRUGS???
Lita: Yes! And gramps is still a minor! He can't even drive!
grandmapa: Now, now, Missy. I can't drive because of my advanced age! Heh heh…
Rimmer: Advanced youth, is more like it.
SYLC: There is nothing in this world more evil than drugs! I've seen the horrors it can cause first hand! I was hooked once! And then some dealers beat up my little brother! The police didn't do anything about it! They were useless!
Evil Mike: Hey, why does the left side of your face keep twitching like that?
SYLC: If Pharaoh Mobius is a drug dealer… Then Pharaoh Mobius… must… DIE!!!!!!!
<The Psycho Shine Your Love Chick pulls two very large and intimidating guns out from behind her back and shrieks a war cry. Everybody in the area, onstage and off, hits the deck. She rushes onto the stage, spitting and screaming, fury and madness in every part of her being, wanting nothing but to wash her stage in PM's blood.>
Lita: <face down on the floor, covering her head with her hands> This isn't good! gramps, why did you have to tell that story?
gramps: I don't know! I was on a roll!
Rimmer: We don't want to *kill* Phafarafolah!
EM: Why not? I mean besides the fact that his bar serves the best drinks in town?
Lita: Isn't that reason enough? Boy I could die for a drink right now! That's it, I've had it! YAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
<Lita gets up, runs onto the stage, and jumps onto Psycho Shine Your Love Chick's back, and starts pulling her hair.>
PSYLC: Get off! I'm saving you from the drugs! If you don't let me save you from the drugs, I'll kill you!
<Mickey, Rimmer, and Mrs. Hargrove have run from the back too. Rimmer and Mrs. Hargrove wrestle the guns out of the Psycho Shine Your Love Chick's hands, while Mickey tries to work out the best way of bringing her down without having to actually hit a girl. Finally, Evil Mike gets fed up and throws grandmapa at the Psycho Shine Your Love Chick, and that does the trick. The carnage has ended.>
Rimmer: <Looking at the Psycho Shine Your Love Chick and grandmapa, who are both unconscious on the floor> Evil Mike, are you sure that was necessary?
EM: I figured it was all right for gramps to hit her, since he's wearing a dress and all.
Mickey: Good fight, eh? This is what all talk shows should be!
Lita: Where's PM and his wife? We just totally saved his ass. Don't tell me he's hiding.
Lita
is the wind beneath your wings.
#719
(Mickey comes back out on stage)
Date: 09/30/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
(the audience sees him and starts booing even louder)
Mickey: I'd just like to be a stickler and point out that I *wasn't* here for the war.
(the audience starts throwing tomatoes at Mickey)
Mickey: HEY! I use tomatoes as weapons over here, you *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* and *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* and you can *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*!
(turns to SYLC)
Mickey: Hey, is this one of those shows where we can send unruly brats to boot camp?
SYLC: Why, yes it is.
Mickey: Great! I got a new recruit for you! (pulls TDO out of the audience, where he had been hiding) Alright, well take care. You have a great show over here. (turns to audience) Bye, everybody!!! (leaves)
SYLC: Well, as fun as that was, we've still got a show to do. And it looks like we got a topic change. Well, TDO, I'd like you to meet Sgt. Pummelyou.
TDO (Sees nothing but a big shadow in front of him): Oh, *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
Surprised how much he knows about daytime talk shows.
#720
The horror!
Date: 09/30/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Lita: Mickey was so traumatized by all this violence, he's completely blocked it out of his memory! Either that, or the time space expert is at it again.
Mickey: Uhm... oops?
Evil Mike: I'll fix it.
<Evil Mike hits Mickey with a chair.>
Mickey: Ow! What's your problem?
Rimmer: That didn't do anything!
EM: No, but I've been wanting to do that since I got here.
Lita: But where's PM and his wife?
Mickey: <Points behind a large potted plant.> There they are! And I think they're dead!
<Everybody gasps in horror>
PM: No we're not. Geez, Mickey! How hard did Evil Mike hit you, anyway?
#721
Mickey: It's not my fault, I swear!!!
Date: 09/30/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
Lita: Than who's fault is it?
Mickey: It was the "Let's Talk About Stuff" editors. It's sweeps month. Fights first, than regular talk show crap.
Lita: All this crap for a petty feud with TDO. Give it up.
Mickey: I thought you were all mad at him, too.
Lita: Yeah, well...
SYLC (pokes her head backstage): OK, everyone, that was great. Now for our next segmant, I want you to...
Rimmer: Say wait a minute. We're being scripted?
SYLC: Well, yeah...you didn't know?
PM: I did!!! The Mrs. watches this show all the time! Why do you think we chose this show?
Lita: You what?
PM: Oh come on, you didn't think it was just a little too convenient that this show's people called you before you even came home from Australia?
Lita: Well, that's how I thought they always did thimgs.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
I've got problems
#722
<Lita shakes her head.>
Date: 09/30/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Lita: Nope. I don't believe you.
PM: You don't.
Lita: No. I don't. When she attacked you, you really looked scared.
PM: I really was scared! She really attacked me! That woman is insane! But everything else was scripted.
Lita: No. I don't believe you. I think you're just high.
PM: <glances at the Psycho Shine Your Love Chick> No I'm not...
Lita: Yes. That's it. It was all real. You're just high.
PSYLC: He is??? Drugs are bad! I must kill them all!!!
<The Psycho Shine Your Love Chick lunges at Pharaoh Mobius, and starts strangling him.>
Lita: Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot about her little sickness!
EM: Wow. She didn't even wait for the commercials to end. I'm going to go... uh... pull up my socks... or something. See you guys later.
<As Evil Mike sidles through the exit, Lita pulls the Psycho Shine Your Love Chick off PM.>
Lita: Stop that!
PSYLC: No!
PM: This is getting tiresome.
Rimmer: No kidding. Let's tie her up.
grandmapa: Boy, Evil Mike is going to be sad he missed this part.
<Just then, Lita's cell phone rings.>
Lita: Just a second guys. You go ahead with what you're doing. <Lita answers her phone> Hello? Oh, hi Evil Mike. What do you want? Again? Ooh... I'm am so going to kick your ass later. Ok, love you. Buh-bye. <hangs up> All right, everybody. We'd better get going.
PM: Not with the exploding animals again…
Lita: Yes.
<Everybody groans, and marches out of the studio. Mickey and Ortega carry a tied up, not to mention pissed-off, Psycho Shine Your Love Chick. They head over to a park across the street. Evil Mike is crouched next to a pay phone, giggling maniacally. Lita walks up behind him, as hordes of small animals enter the studio, and it comes crashing down.>
Lita: Evil Mike, why did you do that?
EM: Huh? You're not all dead!
Lita: None of us are dead. The audience ran out of the studio during the Psycho Shine Your Love Chick's first insane rampage. And the crew snuck out during her second.
EM: How did the rest of you escape?
Lita: ...You called us.
EM: Aw, dammit! I did it again!
<PM approaches>
PM: For crying out loud, Lita, can't you control your henchman?
Lita: How many times do I have to tell you no?
PSYLC: <from a little ways away> YOU PEOPLE BLEW UP MY SHOW!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU??? YOU'LL NEVER BE ON TV AGAIN!!!
Lita: Oh, I don't know. We might make the news.
EM: <yelling back> AT LEAST WE'RE NOT SELLING POT, EH?
PSYLC: I guess that's true! Ok!
Lita: She needs to get over her obsession.
PM: This is coming from a woman who's been stalking me for weeks now...
Lita: Geez! When are you going to get over that? You know, if you don't let go of your bitterness, it'll eat you up inside.
<Lita takes Evil Mike by the arm and goes to rejoin the others.>
PM: *I* need to let go of *my* bitterness?
#723
Hey, I recognize that Pharaoh creep!
Date: 10/01/2001
From: Invader_DIB
He was on Mysterious Mysteries and he's aa alien like in the movie Stargate. He'll pay for being an alien. I'll bet he's the brain sucking, toe eating, ear slurping, eyeball plucking kind and that's the worst kind there is. I'll expose him for the alien he is! (And I don't mean he's an alien because he's fron Egypt so don't even try that PM. I'M ON TO YOU!!!!!!)
#724
Uhhh... no.
Date: 10/01/2001
From: PharaohMobius
'Fraid not, DIB. Alien-ship is *not* part of my handle concept. As was revealed in the first issue of my regular series ("Pharaoh Mobius: Master of Mayhem"), I am a Pulp Villain and criminal mastermind from an alternate Earth which is sort of what you'd get if you crossed Indiana Jones, Doc Savage, and Flash Gordon, and where the year is 193X. I was about to be captured by my arch nemesis, Sergeant Justice (who is secretly my kid brother, Jimmy Mobius), when I utilized my new invention, the Trans-diminsional Maelstrom Bridge Generator (TMBG) 5000. The fabric of time and space went *snicker-snak!*, and...
I ended up here at this Bboard.
So nope, I'm not an alien. You don't get the Grand Prize, but you do get a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat, and a copy of our home game. Thanks for playing!
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Jimmy Carter, now *he's* an alien!
Sarcophagus!
Next up: A hiatus
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